The Feedback Filter ... Who Makes the Cut?

Any self-development, business or leadership content you read these days suggest you get feedback from your target audience.

Last blog I talked about having conversations that matter and speaking into each other's lives.

But when I reflected more on the idea of just having more conversations (without boundaries), I realized that lately I don't take feedback from everyone on every topic. Sure there are some things that I will open up for more public debate (you know, new wall color or flooring, fencing options for our new dog pen, new vehicle purchases) but there are somethings I will NOT accept input on from just anyone.

Why the censoring?

We live in a culture that has learned to embrace failure, almost as a trendy necessity to success. I mean, who doesn't love a great "rise from the ashes" story to pump you up for your next big endeavor. There are even failure conventions.  REALLY.

I have some failures already in my pocket, and being the creative and curiosity-driven kind of adventurer that I am, I know I will have more.  I have some very trusted friends, family and advisers who I will share these moments of struggle, strife and personal development with.

But they have to make it through the "Feedback Filter".

This is a short and intuitive process I've developed (in my head) to determine whether someone is safe to let into the personal feedback zone.

I naturally struggle with criticism and critique.  I far prefer to be awesome right out of the gates ... study and perfect to nauseum before presenting or launching anything.  But this isn't always possible (or practical or smart). So we turn out things that are a work-in-progress.

Heck I myself am a work in progress.  And I always will be.

So when I'm looking for feedback on something I've done, a new skill I've picked up, my attitudes, approaches and behaviors and whether or not they will support or inhibit my goals, I look for a little feedback.  I am very careful though about those from whom I will elicit this commentary.

The 'feedback filter' serves to tell me many things about a potential candidate's worthiness to speak into the most vulnerable part of my life. The vital component and question regarding said candidate's requirements ...

Are you out there getting your ass kicked?  Or have you recently? 

No I'm not just a jerk who wants to see others get knocked down.

I do want to ensure that those who are sharing their insights into my own struggles, failures and shortcomings are other people who are also out there trying. 

In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown (yes I love her, as you can now likely tell!) advises:

"We need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives.  For me, if you're not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback."

I've developed kind of a mental list of people I admire, respect and trust because they are the people who know what its like to be there. In that place where you are taking extraordinary risk (maybe psychologically, emotionally, financially) to reach a crazy goal you are passionate about.

Maybe you are launching a new idea or changing careers.  You could be deciding to do something completely different than your family, friends or colleagues expect of you.

In these vulnerable, exciting, terrifying and wonderful adventures we need to solicit feedback from people who are (or have recently been) in the same kinds of situations.  People who are moving bravely toward their own goals, failing and getting back up. (Note: If they moved toward a brave goal 25 years ago, failed and never tried again, I might not include them my list of candidates.)

If I am wondering if I have what it takes to start up with my new idea, if I am looking for some assessment (honestly and openly) about my strengths and weaknesses, or if I'm just looking for someone to bounce ideas off of, I have a fairly short list of people I consult.

A handful really. Depending on the specific arena I'm entering ...2, maybe 5 people.

And here's the touchy part (I'm wincing one eye as I write this).

It might not be who YOU want it to be. 

It may not be your spouse, sibling, best friend or parent.  These people LOVE you. So much.

They may not be able to honestly reflect on your character strengths and weaknesses for fear of hurting or upsetting you. Or you may be unable to process their feedback without overloading it with innuendo, unspoken assumptions or baggage.  You may just read way too much into it.

You also have to consider that they might not be willing to see you fail at all.  They may try to thwart your efforts or sabotage your plans in an effort to save you from hurt.

Of course, if you are a brave and relentless warrior for change their attempts to stop you may be more painful than the failure would have ever been.

But that IS NOT their intent.

Or maybe they've never taken any risks.  Maybe they have personalities that reside in the "always play-it-safe" category.  Maybe they are not big on self-reflection in their own lives.

You need people on your feedback "safe" list who are open, honest and vulnerable themselves and have their own story of bravery and heartbreak to share. If you choose to share with people you love and they do not have these pre-requisites you will end up resenting them or their feedback.

There will be times, if you are truly moving towards growth and peace that you will need some reflection from others. Honest, raw, authentic and truthful feedback.  And you will need skills in vulnerability, self-compassion and courage in order to take it and make it into something productive. Just make sure that those who you request feedback of (or those who you allow to voluntarily thrust it upon you) are others in the same boat.

Once you are super comfortable receiving feedback openly and vulnerably and assessing it with clarity, calmness and authenticity, then you may try widening your circle.

But this takes immense strength and preparation.  You will know when you are ready because it will be far more exciting and helpful than it is terrifying or painful.

It will be worth it. 

We live, grow and develop in community.  Feedback is an essential part of this.  So ensure that yours (both that which you receive and that which you give) is meaningful, loving and honest.

It will push you forward to new levels you never imagined.


Bravely forth in this my friends,

Jac :)

Conversations We Can't Afford to Miss

I was inspired yesterday by a group of women who I am beyond proud to know.

I coach a horse riding team of young girls (aged 11-28 or so and their families).  I have known them all for different lengths of time.  Two years, six years, ten years.  I've also gotten to know their families and their struggles.

And they know mine.

Watching them grow and become women has been such an honor and has been truly awesome. Yesterday morning a few of us got chatting.  One of the gals began sharing about a speaker she had recently seen who talked about mental health, success, and expectations especially when you have baggage or a rough family history (which I'm pretty sure most people do to some extent).

It ended up unfolding into a few hours of conversation about how life as a teenager is hard.  Some of the moms were there and we talked about how life as a mom is hard.  We shared stories, advice and the things we've learned so far in this life.  And we laughed a lot about how we all seem to face the same struggles (dark, raw and real struggles).

We talked a lot about how we don't talk enough.  Why, when these are the things that matter, do we keep so quiet?

Depression, anxiety and many other resulting health issues are rampant today.  We live in a society that tells you that you can have it all.  And so we push and grind and try to get it, and when we don't we wonder what is wrong with us.

And there is further confusion because after all, how dare we feel so bad when we have so much? So much more than most of the world in fact.  And yet it never seems we are (or we have) enough.

Never enough time. Money. Talent. Patience. Skills.  Awards. Success. Achievements. Likes and shares. Retweets.

The attitude of scarcity (or "never enough") runs in direct contrast to a culture where we have more than we could ever use or need. Still we struggle, strive and generally feel very alone.

And yet, in the midst of this, here is this group of women leaning in.  Talking about the tough spots. The things we all think about and yet never really put out in the open.

Depression.  Conflict. Addiction. Coping. Suicide. And real success.

I am overwhelmed with how blessed I am to have these people in my life.

One of the gals made a comment about how she wishes she had a bigger platform.  She questioned how a person could get a springboard to help more people and get more of these issues out in the open.

Here's the thing.  We already have one.

I have very little doubt that any of the group of us who stood talking yesterday went home and forgot about the conversation.  And once you've put it out there once, you'll be far more likely to do it again. We all had a little more brave in our step, I'd say.

We have to stick together. Be on the same team. Disregard who might "over hear" and who might judge.  The cool thing is, we all struggle.

Standing there saying "Being a mom is so hard.  Harder than anything I've ever done.  And not always hard in a good way. Sometimes it feels so brutal, unfair and like it's too much to handle" and hearing another mom say, "I totally know what you mean.  We do give up a lot".

And then hearing her teenage daughter talk about her own struggles.

Laughing, sharing, contemplating, reflecting.  Leaning in.  Not running away, making uncomfortable attempts to escape the conversation or change the subject.

And the moral of the story?  We are enough. Each one of us, with all our flaws and struggles and stories.  We belong here.

But we need to tell each other that.

This is what it's going to take to raise up a brave new generation. And to keep us who are already into crazy, busy and complicated lives moving forward with courage, empathy, authenticity and humanity.

We have a platform.

It's all around us.  We just have to be courageous enough to use it.

I'm so thankful that yesterday someone shared. We all walked away a little lighter because of it.  And what a gift that truly is in what sometimes seems like a heavy, dark world.

You are all so amazing. And loved. And enough.


Bravely forth my friends, 

Jac :)