Drop the Cape, Super-Mom

This last two years have been very hard for me.

I don't like to admit it. I like to be strong.

"Hahaha yes I am a mom of 4. Oh yes I home school. And run my own business.   Sure it's crazy but we're so blessed." (She says smiling with a glance downwards. So humble. So strong). 

I can give this bullshit speech in my sleep.  I quite literally gave it the other day to a girl I'd recently met. She (as folks often do when they know me through work and haven't yet met my family)  marveled at the fact that I had 4 KIDS. And seem sane.

I delivered my speech as I always do, complete with smile and downward gaze as though I hadn't spent the better half of the morning bawling,  fighting with the kids and stressing about our current life and financial crisis.

I cheerily loaded my kids up in the van and drove off. Quite proud of how well I'd acted and quite convinced she was impressed with my togetherness and competence.

Why do I do this?

Why do any of us do this?

We act as though managing 27 levels of stress and obligations is a commendable feat.  We wear our over-committed schedules and our fake ability to cope as a badge of honor. We praise the ones who seemingly do it all.

And in the process we damage everyone around us.

We perpetuate the myth that the more you do the better you are. We heap steaming crap on the pile of shit that everyone is already digging out from under when we pride ourselves on how flawless and together we are.

Maybe you don't do that.

Maybe your Facebook,  Twitter, Instagram and snap chat reflect accurately the joys and challenges of your life. Maybe your posts aren't filled only with amazing dinner pictures,  family togetherness, and just enough glamourized and dramatic struggle to gain the attention you're seeking. Maybe you are able to be authentic and genuine  about your life without falling into the common trap of the victim or poor me routine. Maybe what we see on social media is in fact an accurate representation of your sweet and perfectly balanced life.

Or maybe that doesn't exist and you've succeded in bullshitting yourself like I have.

But what then, you ask, should we put on Facebook? 

I don't know.

And who really cares.

I literally just about didn't let my 8 and 6 and a half year old ride their scooters around the block the other day in our small town because what if someone saw and judged me and put it on Facebook?

My ability to make sound and reasonable decisions or judgements about my life is skewed by the completely false and attention-seeking world of social media.

Now please don't comment with a whole bunch of #Facebookhater kind of stuff.

Social media is great tool . In fact although I seem a bit cynical here my beef isn't really with the internet at all.

It's with people like me.

People who put so much emphasis on doing it all.

It's the sentiment that the more stressed out you are the more successful you must be.  The more tasks you juggle, the more competent you are. The more you do, the more worthy you are.

Want to see if you're guilty of any of this false advertisement? Here's a test.

Imagine how you'd feel if I told you that for each day this next week, these had to be your Facebook posts:

"Today I slept in so I fed the kids rice cakes and processed cheese for breakfast"
"We can't afford to pay our power bill."
"My husband's busy work schedule and the extra 15 pounds I gained with our last baby has sure made for a lousy sex life"
"I'm depressed. I probably need therapy but I'm too tired and ashamed to admit it."
"I really love my kids. I think they're great and deserve good things"
"I can't cook. I hate cleaning. I'm really not a  very great housewife".
"Today I took my kids to the park and sat on my phone the whole time" (no "lol" here)
"I think I deserve better. I am sad and tired.  Everyone else seems to have it together."

You could keep going.

I suspect I'm not the only one with whom these statements resonate. Maybe one of them, maybe more.

These are truths.

We feel alone. We feel tired. We feel self-pity.

So what do we do?

We post pictures of our food and our perfect family and try to make ourselves feel better.

We don't feel better but we do perpetuate the cycle of isolation and sadness by creating for others a false sense of our reality.

In the developed, affluent culture we live we are seeing unprecedented levels of depression,  anxiety and mental health issues.

I think a lot of that is related to EXPECTATIONS.

"I should be more like her. I'm not enough. I could do more."

And the world we see tells us WE CAN have it all.

As women especially, but also as humans,  we need to drop the super-human standards. Nobody is ACTUALLY reaching them.  It's a bunch of smoke in mirrors.

We need to start speaking openly and vulnerably about how life is. We need trust, loyalty and authenticity to feel safe to share what real life looks like.

Gritty. Hard. Lonely. Beautiful.

Or as the wonderful Glennon Doyle Melton of Momastery.com puts it ... Brut-iful.

Brutal. But so deeply beautiful.

So ladies,  put down your capes and pick up your phones (you know, they do more than take pictures and browse Pinterest).

Call a mom you know. Ask her to bring her crazy, grubby, beautiful kids over for a coffee. Tell her not to worry, your house is kid friendly. Or find her a babysitter and take her out for dinner.  Listen to her. Encourage her. Be honest.

Call a college student and take them for a fancy dinner. They need to know college can be fun, but it can also be horrid and overwhelmingly stressful.  Tell them you know lots of college kids have committed suicide and ask them how that makes them feel.

Call the newly married couple in your church.  Have them over for dinner.  Let them swoon about how great marriage is.  Let them remind you about those times.  But also share with them that it's okay to fight.  That you might wake up one day wondering who the heck this other person is ... and that's okay. Love is a decision, and sometimes it's a tough one.

Call a teenager and instead of telling them, "Ah kid it gets better after high school" (which is totally false!), share with them. Tell them how you're dealing with current challenges and ask about theirs.

Honestly is hard.  Authenticity (without being disingenuine, fake or belittling) is a learned skill.

Practice it.

Nurturing real relationships is the only way to shed the light of truth on our lives and our expectations. When we get to know people, really know them, then what we see on social media can become a fun, anecdotal outlet, but never a standard against which we hold ourselves.

This takes courage. It takes boldness and it takes some honest self-reflection.  It also takes kindness.  Especially to ourselves.

If we can be kind and generous in our assessment of our own life, this will naturally extend out.

And isn't this what we are all looking for ... A little more understanding and connection?

Want to be a real Super-Hero?

Drop the cape and find someone today you can be more open, honest and kind with.

Even if it's just yourself.

Bravely forth my Super-friends,

Jac :)

Conversations We Can't Afford to Miss

I was inspired yesterday by a group of women who I am beyond proud to know.

I coach a horse riding team of young girls (aged 11-28 or so and their families).  I have known them all for different lengths of time.  Two years, six years, ten years.  I've also gotten to know their families and their struggles.

And they know mine.

Watching them grow and become women has been such an honor and has been truly awesome. Yesterday morning a few of us got chatting.  One of the gals began sharing about a speaker she had recently seen who talked about mental health, success, and expectations especially when you have baggage or a rough family history (which I'm pretty sure most people do to some extent).

It ended up unfolding into a few hours of conversation about how life as a teenager is hard.  Some of the moms were there and we talked about how life as a mom is hard.  We shared stories, advice and the things we've learned so far in this life.  And we laughed a lot about how we all seem to face the same struggles (dark, raw and real struggles).

We talked a lot about how we don't talk enough.  Why, when these are the things that matter, do we keep so quiet?

Depression, anxiety and many other resulting health issues are rampant today.  We live in a society that tells you that you can have it all.  And so we push and grind and try to get it, and when we don't we wonder what is wrong with us.

And there is further confusion because after all, how dare we feel so bad when we have so much? So much more than most of the world in fact.  And yet it never seems we are (or we have) enough.

Never enough time. Money. Talent. Patience. Skills.  Awards. Success. Achievements. Likes and shares. Retweets.

The attitude of scarcity (or "never enough") runs in direct contrast to a culture where we have more than we could ever use or need. Still we struggle, strive and generally feel very alone.

And yet, in the midst of this, here is this group of women leaning in.  Talking about the tough spots. The things we all think about and yet never really put out in the open.

Depression.  Conflict. Addiction. Coping. Suicide. And real success.

I am overwhelmed with how blessed I am to have these people in my life.

One of the gals made a comment about how she wishes she had a bigger platform.  She questioned how a person could get a springboard to help more people and get more of these issues out in the open.

Here's the thing.  We already have one.

I have very little doubt that any of the group of us who stood talking yesterday went home and forgot about the conversation.  And once you've put it out there once, you'll be far more likely to do it again. We all had a little more brave in our step, I'd say.

We have to stick together. Be on the same team. Disregard who might "over hear" and who might judge.  The cool thing is, we all struggle.

Standing there saying "Being a mom is so hard.  Harder than anything I've ever done.  And not always hard in a good way. Sometimes it feels so brutal, unfair and like it's too much to handle" and hearing another mom say, "I totally know what you mean.  We do give up a lot".

And then hearing her teenage daughter talk about her own struggles.

Laughing, sharing, contemplating, reflecting.  Leaning in.  Not running away, making uncomfortable attempts to escape the conversation or change the subject.

And the moral of the story?  We are enough. Each one of us, with all our flaws and struggles and stories.  We belong here.

But we need to tell each other that.

This is what it's going to take to raise up a brave new generation. And to keep us who are already into crazy, busy and complicated lives moving forward with courage, empathy, authenticity and humanity.

We have a platform.

It's all around us.  We just have to be courageous enough to use it.

I'm so thankful that yesterday someone shared. We all walked away a little lighter because of it.  And what a gift that truly is in what sometimes seems like a heavy, dark world.

You are all so amazing. And loved. And enough.


Bravely forth my friends, 

Jac :)

Assume Generously

Why are we so mean to each other?

Do I sound like a 12 year old girl lamenting about trouble at school? Probably.

Sometimes life as a 33 year old wife, mom and business owner doesn't feel any less tumultuous than it did in junior high. Let's be straight up here ... we spend tons of time trying to fit in and be "cool" or keep up. We want to create marriages, families and careers that get enough "likes".  After all, we have to live up to a ton of expectations (both our own and those set by the Pinterest gods).

And we're still so damn mean to each other.

I don't want to oversimplify here or imply that I'm ignorant of life's intricate complexities.  People have unbelievable stories and hurts and challenges, but I think the reason is related directly to these stories.

When I say harsh I don't necessarily mean something as obvious as laying a smack down on your neighbor for parking in your spot or delivering a knuckle sandwich to the lady who buds you in line. (Yes I used the phrase "knuckle sandwich" ... this explains a lot about my struggle with being cool). It's way more unsuspecting than that.

It's sideways glances, snide comments, and rude conversations about people we don't know.  It's passive aggressive notes at work aimed at "the person who..." when we know full well who we are targeting. It's the viral photo of the mom on her phone at the park. HOW DARE SHE miss one moment of her child's growing life to breathe and find her sanity (even if that constitutes answering an email, reading an article or browsing Facebook?).

It's the conclusions that we leap to so eagerly and fiercely when they are about someone else and yet snap when these same rash judgments are applied to ourselves.  And don't even get me going on Internet trolling or forum banter. It's disgusting. Like, I vomit-in-my-mouth-a-bit kind of disgusting (am I being completely clear that I despise Internet comment/forum fights?).

I'm no saint. I've done all of these things (even the nasty Internet squabbles ... I get drawn in too which is why I dislike them so much).

And I know exactly why I get reeled into these things.

I am shitty with my assumptions.

Stingy.  Narrow. Shallow. Frugal. Judgmental. Mean.

Just shitty.

When I see or hear or encounter someone else, especially when they confront, disagree or offend me, I'm quick to defend myself, usually by knocking them down a rung or two (at least in my mind). I start the story in my head immediately...

"Who the hell does she think she is?  That's totally not fair, after all I've done for them. How dare they take advantage of me? Say that?  Treat me so poorly? How dare they snap at me that way?"

But here's the fascinating thing ... What is the story in my head when I am the one who is snappy with the lady at the counter?

Well she just doesn't understand what kind of a day I've had.  She doesn't know what it takes to be in my shoes.

Of course I have a list.

You know, the list.   We all have one.  It's the one we play over and over in our heads.  It's our defenses, justifications and reasons.  The things we throw at people when they dare confront us about our behaviors or actions.

I think we've all had times when we wish we could carry around this list and hand out to people when we aren't acting our best (and feel the need to justify it).

For instance, I forget to respond to messages ...a lot. I try my best I really do but life moves quickly and I have a hard time keeping up.  I don't generally enjoy correction or criticism about it. I immediately want to explain.

Or occasionally (most of the time) I am late (and don't be fooled, I HATE being late).

These are times I often pull out my list.


My life is crazy.

I have four kids. I home school because the  school system failed us and it was our last ditch effort to keep our son off meds and enjoying school.  He really is so talented. Homeschooling makes our life so nuts!

I also have to make a full time income on the "side" of raising my kids with my small business teaching riding and training horses . So I try to squish 8 hours of work a day into 3 hours in the evening (many of which I have to bring the kids along if Brendan is working late or has other commitments).

Between cleaning, cooking (which I suck at and loathe), laundry and basically 2 full time jobs I often feel entitled to the occasional lapse in manners or judgement...


Depending on how defensive I feel this could go on for a long, long time ...

I think the fact that I have a list is fairly normal.  This is my story. My narrative.  And how I deal with, prioritize and justify my list isn't actually what I think the problem is.

The problem is how I deal with YOUR LIST. 

How do I react to the lists of others?

Am I understanding, open and empathetic?  Or knee-jerk, short-tempered, narrow-minded and opinionated?

Here's a question ...

How would the world look if we all treated other peoples' lists as important, legitimate and valuable as our own.  What if we gave other people's stories as much thought, credence and validation as our own? 

In her writing,  Brene Brown talks a lot about "generous assumptions" and it has been really transformative for me. She is faced with (and poses to her readers) the simple question,

Are people really doing the best they can?

The wise and kind of the world generally answer, YES.

Think about the implications of this suggestion.  Everyone (like, EVERYONE YOU MEET) is DOING THE BEST THEY CAN.

What would this mean in our everyday lives?

Well, it means that when you encounter someone who offends you or rubs you the wrong way, you would consider the most generous, wide-thinking and kind thing you could muster in order to explain their behavior.

You need to consider their list.  Think about it, and then validate it in your mind.  Give it credit.  Allow their story to become as important to you as your own (or at the very least someone you love deeply and unconditionally). You could even try a little experiment and defend it.

You don't need to know the actually story, or the person's actual list (although you'd be surprised what happens when you take the time to listen).  It might be as simple as:

"Maybe that mom on her phone has been tirelessly tending to her kids all week and this is her first moment to herself in days?" or
"That man driving too fast or cutting me off in traffic could be on the way to see his wife give birth."

Or it might even (more honestly) look like,

"That person looks distracted.  Maybe they are losing their job.  Maybe their child just failed a test, or they got a bad health diagnosis."  

What comes across as inconsiderate and rude might just be that person coping.

This becomes insanely challenging when it comes to things closer to your heart or of more consequence.  A cheating spouse. An angry boss.  An unfaithful friend.  A bully (and believe me, adults can be bullies too).  A thief or offender who has stolen, hurt or even killed someone you love. You may need some professional assistance in order to make generous assumptions in some of these cases.  It may take a lot of time.

But here's the thing.  Those people have lists.  Reasons.  (Unless they are a clinically diagnosed
sociopath, which although we may joke, is a very serious condition wherein someone does not have any remorse or conscience or empathy for the consequences of their actions.  The majority of people you will meet are likely not sociopaths, despite your initial assessment).

Here is my question ... what could it hurt?

Would it really make your life worse to make generous assumptions about other people's lives, problems, effort, and actions?

Think about a time when you behaved your WORST.

You could probably come up with a justification or defense for your behavior.  You may regret doing it.  You may be in complete remorse for it.  But you still had a reason.

And the only way you are going to get beyond the incident, behavior or attitude is by acknowledging it as being "the best you could do" at the time.  And then, as they say, once you know better you can do better.

We have to be kinder to ourselves first.  Then we need to extend this gentleness and understanding out to others.

We are mean to each other because we want to defend our own list of justifications for our role, actions and attitudes, while at the same time invalidating the other person's.

Living a brave and authentic life (which I think translates into a more peaceful, joyful and satisfying life) means breathing deeply and allowing ourselves to reflect on the position of the other before jumping to defend ourselves. 

When we do this, we truly experience empathy and we find even more growth and peace in our own lives as we consider ourselves through the lens of the other. We see ourselves how they might see us then we can then decide if we like what we see (not in a self-defensive way, but with honesty, vulnerability and openness).

When we are open to another's story, their narrative and the possibility that they are doing the best they can we allow ourselves to enter deeper reflection, understanding and relationship, and we can often elicit less hostility back.

Even if not, it won't matter.  We won't feel nearly as attacked and we certainly won't be as inclined to counter attack.

And when we have tools to stop these attacks (even if only from our end), that my friends is when we stop being so mean.


Bravely forth in all you do, 

Jac