Drop the Cape, Super-Mom

This last two years have been very hard for me.

I don't like to admit it. I like to be strong.

"Hahaha yes I am a mom of 4. Oh yes I home school. And run my own business.   Sure it's crazy but we're so blessed." (She says smiling with a glance downwards. So humble. So strong). 

I can give this bullshit speech in my sleep.  I quite literally gave it the other day to a girl I'd recently met. She (as folks often do when they know me through work and haven't yet met my family)  marveled at the fact that I had 4 KIDS. And seem sane.

I delivered my speech as I always do, complete with smile and downward gaze as though I hadn't spent the better half of the morning bawling,  fighting with the kids and stressing about our current life and financial crisis.

I cheerily loaded my kids up in the van and drove off. Quite proud of how well I'd acted and quite convinced she was impressed with my togetherness and competence.

Why do I do this?

Why do any of us do this?

We act as though managing 27 levels of stress and obligations is a commendable feat.  We wear our over-committed schedules and our fake ability to cope as a badge of honor. We praise the ones who seemingly do it all.

And in the process we damage everyone around us.

We perpetuate the myth that the more you do the better you are. We heap steaming crap on the pile of shit that everyone is already digging out from under when we pride ourselves on how flawless and together we are.

Maybe you don't do that.

Maybe your Facebook,  Twitter, Instagram and snap chat reflect accurately the joys and challenges of your life. Maybe your posts aren't filled only with amazing dinner pictures,  family togetherness, and just enough glamourized and dramatic struggle to gain the attention you're seeking. Maybe you are able to be authentic and genuine  about your life without falling into the common trap of the victim or poor me routine. Maybe what we see on social media is in fact an accurate representation of your sweet and perfectly balanced life.

Or maybe that doesn't exist and you've succeded in bullshitting yourself like I have.

But what then, you ask, should we put on Facebook? 

I don't know.

And who really cares.

I literally just about didn't let my 8 and 6 and a half year old ride their scooters around the block the other day in our small town because what if someone saw and judged me and put it on Facebook?

My ability to make sound and reasonable decisions or judgements about my life is skewed by the completely false and attention-seeking world of social media.

Now please don't comment with a whole bunch of #Facebookhater kind of stuff.

Social media is great tool . In fact although I seem a bit cynical here my beef isn't really with the internet at all.

It's with people like me.

People who put so much emphasis on doing it all.

It's the sentiment that the more stressed out you are the more successful you must be.  The more tasks you juggle, the more competent you are. The more you do, the more worthy you are.

Want to see if you're guilty of any of this false advertisement? Here's a test.

Imagine how you'd feel if I told you that for each day this next week, these had to be your Facebook posts:

"Today I slept in so I fed the kids rice cakes and processed cheese for breakfast"
"We can't afford to pay our power bill."
"My husband's busy work schedule and the extra 15 pounds I gained with our last baby has sure made for a lousy sex life"
"I'm depressed. I probably need therapy but I'm too tired and ashamed to admit it."
"I really love my kids. I think they're great and deserve good things"
"I can't cook. I hate cleaning. I'm really not a  very great housewife".
"Today I took my kids to the park and sat on my phone the whole time" (no "lol" here)
"I think I deserve better. I am sad and tired.  Everyone else seems to have it together."

You could keep going.

I suspect I'm not the only one with whom these statements resonate. Maybe one of them, maybe more.

These are truths.

We feel alone. We feel tired. We feel self-pity.

So what do we do?

We post pictures of our food and our perfect family and try to make ourselves feel better.

We don't feel better but we do perpetuate the cycle of isolation and sadness by creating for others a false sense of our reality.

In the developed, affluent culture we live we are seeing unprecedented levels of depression,  anxiety and mental health issues.

I think a lot of that is related to EXPECTATIONS.

"I should be more like her. I'm not enough. I could do more."

And the world we see tells us WE CAN have it all.

As women especially, but also as humans,  we need to drop the super-human standards. Nobody is ACTUALLY reaching them.  It's a bunch of smoke in mirrors.

We need to start speaking openly and vulnerably about how life is. We need trust, loyalty and authenticity to feel safe to share what real life looks like.

Gritty. Hard. Lonely. Beautiful.

Or as the wonderful Glennon Doyle Melton of Momastery.com puts it ... Brut-iful.

Brutal. But so deeply beautiful.

So ladies,  put down your capes and pick up your phones (you know, they do more than take pictures and browse Pinterest).

Call a mom you know. Ask her to bring her crazy, grubby, beautiful kids over for a coffee. Tell her not to worry, your house is kid friendly. Or find her a babysitter and take her out for dinner.  Listen to her. Encourage her. Be honest.

Call a college student and take them for a fancy dinner. They need to know college can be fun, but it can also be horrid and overwhelmingly stressful.  Tell them you know lots of college kids have committed suicide and ask them how that makes them feel.

Call the newly married couple in your church.  Have them over for dinner.  Let them swoon about how great marriage is.  Let them remind you about those times.  But also share with them that it's okay to fight.  That you might wake up one day wondering who the heck this other person is ... and that's okay. Love is a decision, and sometimes it's a tough one.

Call a teenager and instead of telling them, "Ah kid it gets better after high school" (which is totally false!), share with them. Tell them how you're dealing with current challenges and ask about theirs.

Honestly is hard.  Authenticity (without being disingenuine, fake or belittling) is a learned skill.

Practice it.

Nurturing real relationships is the only way to shed the light of truth on our lives and our expectations. When we get to know people, really know them, then what we see on social media can become a fun, anecdotal outlet, but never a standard against which we hold ourselves.

This takes courage. It takes boldness and it takes some honest self-reflection.  It also takes kindness.  Especially to ourselves.

If we can be kind and generous in our assessment of our own life, this will naturally extend out.

And isn't this what we are all looking for ... A little more understanding and connection?

Want to be a real Super-Hero?

Drop the cape and find someone today you can be more open, honest and kind with.

Even if it's just yourself.

Bravely forth my Super-friends,

Jac :)

The Secret Life of a Creative Junkie.

Confession time friends.

I have a problem.  And like any true addict I took a long time to even recognize that what I had was a problem.

I mean, being creative is a good thing, right?

Producing things, making things, orchestrating things.  Seems like a stretch to think of these things as anything but valuable.

Those of you who might actually agree (with my facetious banter) are likely those who also believe that "good is good enough" or rarely get overly stressed about what you produce, how much you produce and when it is produced by.

The other folks ... the ones who totally get exactly how these things might create a problem ... you are most likely in some of the same categories that I am.

Helper. Perfectionist. People-pleaser. Workaholic.  The tormented artist. Entrepreneurs.

If you fall under any of these labels you most likely place some of your worth and value in what you create.

Now hear me clearly here.  "Create" does not just refer to art or poetry or books or things of that nature. You might create a business plan.  Create a soccer team or a mom's book club.  You might create amazing landscaping or gardens. You might create a comfortable, well-decorated home and great kids.  You might create wonderful coaching, accounting or home decorating services.

Anything that involves using your mind to come up with new ideas, original developments or unique services falls under the banner of "creativity".

And these "creations", by the time they make it out for public consumption can feel as much a part of our "self" as our beating heart.

So now let me ask you something.

How would you feel if I told you to stop?  Stop making.  Stop producing.  Stop creating.

Not indefinitely.  Maybe not for any longer than a day (or gasp, 3 days).

Let me tell you how this makes me feel.

Like s#$%.  Honestly, I feel like crap and I start to feel the immediate buzz of anxiety and panic.

I start having thoughts like,

Well who will do it if I don't?  What if I miss out on a great idea or opportunity and someone else takes it?  What if I lose clients or my family is mad or the world stops turning on its proper rotation?

Okay I'm getting carried away, but I do that.

For me, new ideas, new creations and thoughts of growth, change and new endeavors are like a drug. When I'm feeling down, I just pick up a book about new business ideas or how to build a better website and pretty soon I'm humming.

I love to serve.  I love bringing joy, value and worth into people's lives, and I think that is a noble thing.  The problem arises when what comes from me becomes more important than what is within me. 

Here arises the deadly world of scarcity or "never enough".  The same "never enough" that any addict becomes all too familiar with.  Never enough money, drugs, alcohol, sex, work, time, art produced, blog posts, clean floors, etc.

The addiction to "producing" can be just as exhausting, health depleting and damaging as any of the more high profile addictions.  Families are torn apart by exhausted workaholics, over-stressed moms who both work and parent full time and artists who swear that the next piece (book, blog, painting, movie, etc) will be the big one, but once produced it just isn't quite enough.

Want to know the secret?  It won't be enough.  EVER.  The world will never stop consuming what you have to give them.

And that is a good thing, if you recognize it.

The fact that you have something to give that the world needs is truly a mark of beautiful synergy and symbiosis. You need to create. The world needs to consume.

You need to clean. Your family and friends need a clean house.

You need to write and people need to read.

You need to make shoes and those gosh darn little babies just keep on coming out with feet.

This swirling cycle of need and production are really good things.

As long as you don't get drowned in the current.  
As long as you remember that you ARE NOT WHAT YOU CREATE.
As long as you remember that if you didn't create or produce one more thing ever for the rest of your human life, you STILL HAVE WORTH AND VALUE.

Seems simple.

Isn't.

We get so tied up in believing that in order to be of any worth to anyone, to keep everyone happy and to thus ensure that we are "good" we must continue to produce something that will maintain their satisfaction and allegiance.  

But this is the beautiful and mysterious truth ...

What you create and produce, once it leaves your mouth, your mind, your desk or your fingertips, is NO LONGER YOU.  It might have been part of you once.  In your mind, your dreams, your psyche.
But now that you have created it or produced it, you have done your part.

Your job is done.

Let it go.  Your work is done.

The reason the creative junkie feels the need to keep feeding the beast and running themselves to the depths of exertion and exhaustion is because they spend far too long over-analyzing what they've already created.

It was okay, but not quite there.
That was a good effort, but I could do better. 
That meal was nice but tomorrow I will really wow them! 
That art was junk ... I need to start again.
This next business opportunity, it will make up for that last fail.
That session was pretty productive, but if I'd only said ....

You see where I'm going.

What if we decided it is our job to produce or create something, the best something that we can possibly muster up at the moment, and to put it out into the world.  Then our job is to step back. Hand it off and walk away.  Deliver the lesson, and then put down the plans. Start the business and then let it run.  Make the art and then turn away and let the art now do it's job.

Detach.  Smile and breathe a sigh of contentment and relief.

A job well done. Or a job done shitty.  It doesn't matter because I tried my best and now it's done.

I cannot tell you how much my life changed when I read Elizabeth Gilbert's book Big Magic, and this quote in particular ...

“Recognizing that people's reactions don't belong to you is the only sane way to create. If people enjoy what you've created, terrific. If people ignore what you've created, too bad. If people misunderstand what you've created, don't sweat it. And what if people absolutely hate what you've created? What if people attack you with savage vitriol, and insult your intelligence, and malign your motives, and drag your good name through the mud? Just smile sweetly and suggest - as politely as you possibly can - that they go make their own fucking art. Then stubbornly continue making yours.” 


I love this so much because it means that it no longer matters if my house is clean enough, my blog is popular enough or my business gets enough likes. I mean, obviously I want to make a living and a good life, but as a responsible human being I can find many ways to make that happen.

Do you know how I am going to make certain that I sabotage myself from creating that good life?

By running myself into the ground with attempts to please the masses, perfect the imperfectible or keep up with the Jones'.  By beating myself up constantly for not being good enough, thin enough, "mom"enough, successful enough or productive enough. By trying to get my next "fix" of accolades or recognition through yet another accomplishment or creation.

I can create.  Heck, I can create an amazing home, a successful business, fantastic kids, art, books or whatever my heart desires.  And I can create a lot of it ... As long as the need for some sort of response to my creation doesn't start to own me, or define me, or destroy me.

As long as I could stop and any time and I would still survive, even thrive, without creating any more. 

If you're anything like me, this is a bit of a scary proposition, but a necessary reflection.  If you want to find peace, satisfaction or any semblance of rest in your life you will have to find the courage to detach yourself from your productivity. You will have to be able to to define yourself outside of your creations.  You will need to base your worth and value on something else.  On you.

It's tough to kick the habit, but let me tell you it's life changing.  And totally worth it.

Because you are worth it.


Bravely Forth my fellow junkies, 

Jac :)